Union Day will be a time of grim-faced reflection. Of celebrating the strength of the precious Union but doing so with stony dignity, without anyone making spectacles of themselves.
“Are you sure they’re different?” asked the Downing Street press officer when I called seeking clarification. Yes, I said. A knee is clearly different from a thigh. So which allegation is being denied?
Why wasn’t Boris Johnson in the Commons himself, responding to urgent questions about his use of language in parliament? Because a little-known MP with a big dream was ready to step into the limelight. To go from understudy to matinee idol overnight.
Buckingham Palace has made no official comment on his latest protocol-breaching pronouncements, but the unofficial response is clear: we are not amused. In fact we are absolutely raging.
Many people are saying – I’m not saying this, but many people are – that we don’t need a General Election at all, because it’s clear the current Prime Minister knows best and cares passionately about Great Britain and all the people in it. By expelling some MPs, and driving others to resign, he has shown he is willing to put people before party, pride before pragmatism.
MPs might be locked out of the House of Commons, but their frowns will soon be turned upside down by access-all-areas passes for the WWE showdown coming to Holyrood.
If Wednesday afternoon’s scenes in Parliament Square sound like a thoroughly embarrassing spectacle – a Mad Hatter’s Tea Party but with cheaper hats, and with impotent gestures instead of hot beverages – I regret to inform you that it was no less edifying than what had just happened inside.
We’re both members of dying breeds: me because silly humans want new cross-breed designer dogs, and you because sensible ones don’t want potty-mouthed old dinosaurs representing them in parliament.
The PM might have won the no-confidence vote, but minutes after the result was announced some colleagues were still baying for blood. With friends like these, who needs a visit from the ghosts of Christmas past, present and future?
Join our heroine on a magical adventure to convert a pocketful of magic beans into £350 million a week for the NHS. Marvel as she clambers her way into a giant pickle! Gasp as she fights off villains from stage left and right! Clap your hands if you believe in Brexit, and bring the Chequers deal back to life!