Join our heroine on a magical adventure to convert a pocketful of magic beans into £350 million a week for the NHS. Marvel as she clambers her way into a giant pickle! Gasp as she fights off villains from stage left and right! Clap your hands if you believe in Brexit, and bring the Chequers deal back to life!
If every penny counts, where should Scotland in Union be channelling their resources for maximum impact? In the interests of a healthy, fair and democratic campaign when the time comes, here are some suggestions.
A bleak greasy-spoon cafe with blacked-out windows in Westminster – mid-afternoon. Team Precious Union are seated round a table.
The ballot papers had been printed by the time Dennis Hof went out with a bang on his 72th birthday, and signs notifying voters that he was an ex-candidate apparently did little to dent his electoral success.
How about a relocation to Saudi Arabia? It should be safe to disregard the nation’s abysmal human rights record – just make sure you don’t get arrested. So don’t be gay, don’t be an atheist and definitely don’t be a woman. But did I mention the 0% income tax rate? Eyes on the prize, people!