Eden (Channel 4) episode three: Rations and Cabins, or The Men Know This Is Being Filmed, right?

Get out of my kitchen and no-one gets hurt

Wow, OK, so things have gone a bit crazy since we last checked in with the Eden crew. “Winter will cull this community,” asserts deerstalker Glenn, who’s teamed up with ex-army sociopath Jack and self-appointed Eden King Tom to form a breakaway unit.

With resources scarce, these guys aren’t happy about sharing with the group’s do-nothing scroungers so they’ve decided to build their own winter camp (hang on, this sounds familiar…) and, presumably, let the others either starve or freeze to death.

Did I mention the alleged scroungers are all women? The chaps do know this is being shown on the television, right?

Jenna’s idea of living in the moment turns out to involve walking around with an egg in her bra

Admittedly the women are not brilliantly represented at the start of the episode by junior doctor Jenna. She gives a persuasive speech about wanting to live for the moment after seeing young people die right in front of her – but then her idea of living in the moment turns out to involve walking around with an egg in her bra. However, she redeems herself by standing up to Raph the carpenter when he joins the anti-woman chorus. With no comeback to her responses, he stalks off.

Meanwhile, the conspiring continues: “Let’s just drop some people soon-ish,” says Glenn. “Definitely backload the food.” Hey Glenn, YOU’RE BEING FILMED SAYING THAT.

Bizarrely, our first introduction to one of the women is her watching her sidle over to another anonymous campmate – who’s objecting to food sharing because it’s “tedious” and “not everything has to be fair” – and simulating penetrating him from behind while he speaks.

Up the women!

I feel I underestimated Katie, the “forager” and girlfriend of weepy vet Rob who’s actually a marine conservationist and general badass with an excellent knitwear collection and a nice line in George Orwell quotes. She was clearly mortified to be at the centre of this week’s biggest drama.

Rob acted like a complete dick. But at least he had the good grace to acknowledge as much afterwards

It was clear from last week that Stephen was going to feel someone’s wrath, but I hadn’t realised it was Rob, sent in a murderous rage because Stephen, um, looked at Katie funny? Told her to get out of the kitchen? Was considerably more handsome than Rob? Either way, Rob acted like a complete dick. But at least he had the good grace to acknowledge as much afterwards.

Then The Penetrator speaks! “He’s lost his rag at me before,” she says in an otherwordly accent. “And actually I was a bit frightened of him”. What was the context of this, though, you wee deviant? Was your pelvis making contact with his arse cheeks at the time?

Katie, I like you, and I love your bobble hat, but listen to what’s coming out of your mouth. “Am I going to be some beaten housewife?” she asks after Rob’s blow-up, to which he replies “Yeah, possibly”. Her response? “I’m very, very lucky to have met someone as gorgeous as you”. Hen, there’s been a mistake. I’m pretty sure you intended to apply for Channel 4’s superficiality celebration Naked Attraction, not Eden. Also, Rob really isn’t at that facially. PS joking about domestic violence isn’t funny.

I love how Anton came into his own in this episode, acting as peacekeeper during Cookiegate and addressing the group on the importance of prioritising communal building (his eight-man camp project suddenly looks very generous – especially as he didn’t plan to restrict access to eight actual men).

Do  not trust this man

By the end of the episode everyone’s pals again thanks to a group tree-chopping exercise and Jack’s realised that his gang’s “kill all the women” approach isn’t going to go down well with the viewers, so after a quick flick through the reality TV contestant’s handbook he rebrands the earlier events as part of his “journey”. He’s a changed man, his annoyingly handsome face tells the camera. We’ll see, Jack. We’ll see.

Watch Eden on catch-up (probably UK only, alas)

Published by Shona Craven

Writer, editor, talking head

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